Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Stop sending me this shit.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
*launders Kohls cash*
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Good morning.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.