Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
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Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
pizza
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭