Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
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Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
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Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.