Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
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When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want