BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
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At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.