Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
You Might Also Like
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Don’t snitch tag.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.