Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
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Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit