Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
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(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
This took me a second..