Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
You Might Also Like
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now