Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
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[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
There is no “we” in chocolate.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Intelligence is the new cleavage
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom