Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.