Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
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WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road