It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
That’s easy for you to say
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.