stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.