ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
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My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
me as a parent
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA