me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
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if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Noah was an idiot.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.