My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
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They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
This guy’s not having it 😆
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.