Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
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ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
This will never not be funny 😭
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!