Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent