@NewDadNotes: Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds. God: yes. Gorilla: I have no natural predators. God: yes. Gorilla: I literally live here. God: yes. Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle? God: exactly. Gorilla: who is? God: it’s kind of hard to explain- Lion: did you tell him yet?

@SufficientCharm: I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won't stop using 72pt font.

@Naggalie: My husband asks too many questions. "Who is Steve?" "Why does he call all the time?" "What's this bill for a hotel room?"

@BigBBanter: Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.

@KizerBillhelm: Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn't have wrapped it like a burrito.