@SamDelanche: My boss just asked if I'm illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

@notalogin: On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you're in there for, say "the food" so all the other prisoners know you're a loose cannon.

@AndrewNadeau0: {Outside burning building} HER: Don’t be a hero! ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

@myonlymizztake: Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can't figure out where they hide the bodies.

@robdelaney: Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.