ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
You Might Also Like
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?