If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
This made me chuckle cuz mood
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.