ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
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Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Florida man
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Mountain Goat : )
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
inventing words: clothing
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Is this you?
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂