ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time