Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
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Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
March 16
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet