Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.