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Hey Fugeddaboutit
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
FINE, I WON’T.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
That’s amazing.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.