I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
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At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.