Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
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*pronounces UPS like yoops
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Every work meeting this week
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.