me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
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The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Found the job I’m suited for
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.