Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
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How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder