Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
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Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
what’s really going on
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim