[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
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My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.