I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
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Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh