What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
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Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.