I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
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Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Monday
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.