Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
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love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Hero horse inspires millions
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran