[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
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Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
what the hell pray for carter everyone