@bobvulfov: ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like when you're mysterious
[later on date]
HER: So where are we going tonight?
ME: None of your goddamn business
@UNTRESOR: My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. :(
@Reverend_Scott: Wife: I don't think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I'm gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
@chuuew: I tell people "I'm here to raise awareness" because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
@CulturedRuffian: Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!