ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
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How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.