I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
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Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled