me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
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Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
PARKOUR
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.