I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
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Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL