Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
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Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!