ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
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Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.