ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
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Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!