ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
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I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Bed should get ready for ME
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi