Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
You Might Also Like
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest