Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
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I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
My time has come.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.