Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
meanwhile over on facebook
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested