me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
You Might Also Like
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation