My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
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shit, they caught us—run!!!
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
i really liked this one
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.