My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
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Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants