ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
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I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
#damn
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no