I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
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god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.